Sex has had so many enemies throughout history that it is surprising that it still exists. Sexuality has survived, and continues to survive, religions, determined to destroy the body to exalt the soul; to puritanism and prudery, which have not become extinct but adapted to new times, as demonstrated, for example, by the content policies of social networks. But the current enemy of pleasure has less to do with external organisms. After all, these were easily identifiable and even added that intrinsic difficulty to great achievements. Not in vain, John Waters stated: “Thank God I am Catholic, so sex will always be something dirty.” The adversary of ecstasy is today within the individual, it has infiltrated and has a name: anxiety.
But we are not explicitly referring to the disorder detected, diagnosed and treated—or in the treatment phase—but rather to that anxiety that, to a greater or lesser extent, accompanies the person and the anxiety produced by the sexual act. In the words of Miren Larrazabal, clinical psychologist, sexologist, president of SISEX (International Society of Specialists in Sexology) and member of the Lyx, Institute of Urology and Andrology, in Madrid, “sex is the most anxiety-inducing context for human beings.”
“It should be noted that the word anxiety is often used lightly, and perhaps we should rather talk about restlessness or worry. But it is true that anxiety, to a greater or lesser extent, affects the sexual response,” says gynecologist and sexologist Francisca Molero. “In this state, the body produces cortisol, which is a substance that reduces body sensitivity, since this hormone prepares us for the fight. But, in addition, cortisol inhibits the production of testosterone, closely related to libido and blood pressure, which has a lot to do with erection. In fact, there is a clear relationship between rapid ejaculation and anxiety, and the treatments for this ejaculatory disorder are from the group of serotonin reuptake inhibitors, which are administered to anxious people,” adds the director of the Institute. Ibero-American of Sexology and president of the Spanish Federation of Sexology Societies.
But if these are the side effects on the body, anxiety also affects the mind, the genital organ par excellence. When the anxiety is not very great, it can go unnoticed by the physical part, but the mental part is never spared. “Anxiety can be compensated or camouflaged by many things: work, physical exercise, alcohol; But it is easy for it to appear when we want to focus on the body, losing control. Then mental ruminations occur, intrusive thoughts, the impediment in focusing on the here and now, in getting down to the body and that can cause sexual disorders,” explains Carme Sánchez Martín, clinical psychologist and sexologist, responsible for the Violence Program of Gender of the CSMA (Center for Mental Health of Adults) of Cornellà de Llobregat (Barcelona). And he adds: “Often, certain pathologies or disorders can have their roots in an anxiety that we do not even know about, and that can be caused by causes external to the sexual dimension: work, economic, relationship with the partner. Because many conflicts are reflected on the sexual level. It’s hard to pretend here.”
Relax the mind to excite the body
Sexual arousal is often associated with tension and it is assumed that being in erotic mode is incompatible with being relaxed and calm. Nothing could be further from the truth, since, as Molero points out, “in the normal sexual response, the nervous system that takes precedence is the parasympathetic one (that of rest, slowing down the heart rate and relaxation); except during orgasm, when the sympathetic one takes center stage. This prepares the body for action, with responses including increased heart rate and blood pressure, dilation of the pupils, decreased digestive capacity, release of glucose to provide additional energy, and dilation of the bronchi. , to allow greater air flow to the lungs. Sex is tension; but corporal, not mental, because to feel the body you have to relax the mind.”
Therefore, the best way to start a sexual relationship would be from tranquility and a sense of play, which is not incompatible with certain butterflies in the stomach, due to excitement. But the prevailing model of sexuality is not up to the task, since the erotic has become a competition, something that competes in our self-esteem system, the most implacable of all. “Sexuality has a bio-psycho-social-cultural dimension, which implies that it not only depends on biology but also on the environment and the dictates and tendencies that it imposes,” says Larrazabal. “The current context is not very conducive to pleasure, due to the high level of self-demand. It is a performance model in which we have to be very empathetic, communicate very well, have many orgasms and make the other person enjoy it to the fullest.”
“Today’s sexuality is anxious, about results, about seeking a goal. It is a finalist and not a process and that generates a lot of anticipatory anxiety because you have to look good, measure up or be discarded by others and by yourself,” says Molero. “To this we must add the fact that anxiety is well seen in all areas of life. Socially, it has been reinforced because the anxious person does many things, is more responsible, more effective, more efficient than the calm person, who seems like someone with little drive and initiative.”
We are anxious beings in a world with competitive sensuality. A Molotov cocktail whose own inertia already catapults many out of the game, while those who continue in the race end up exhausted, without desire or with dysfunctions that must be treated in the sexology consultation. Wasn’t sex an innate instinct that came to us? factory? Wasn’t it the maximum pleasure available to everyone? So why is everything so stressful?
An instinct that must be learned
“Another of the big mistakes is to think that sexuality does not have to be learned, that we already have all the knowledge of our body, the sensual response and how to manage emotions and feelings within and that is not the case,” says Larrazabal. “The solution to this anxiety that confronting sex produces in us is to have more sexual education, to be able to handle certain strategies and resources, to know the body and its responses and to learn to let go, to forget the mind, even if it is for a few moments. , to focus on the body. We must also incorporate more eroticism and approach sexuality in a more playful way, like a game. Because it happens to us like children, that when they leave their homework and start playing, their mind changes, and even their body. They now have a different spirit and disposition.”
Cultural heritage has also left its mark and patriarchy not only harmed women: “Generally, men have more sexual anxiety and it is caused by the fear of failure,” says Molero. “Coitocentric sexuality was based on the erection, and the man had to always be ready and, in addition, provide pleasure to the couple. Paradoxically, the misogynistic view that the woman’s role in the sexual act was of less importance than that of the man saved her a certain executional anxiety. But if the myth of masculine responsibility, summarized in the saying: “There is no frigid woman, only an inexperienced man,” was burned into the male psyche, the feminine demand focused on the body that had to be had and maintained to feel desired. Not to mention the mental load. “Women are asked more, double and triple shifts, and that generates anxiety and stress,” says Carme Sánchez.
Centuries and centuries with this philosophy are not easy to dissolve in the collective unconscious. There is another belief, taken as a universal law, that holds that women are more likely to take their problems (and anxiety) to bed; while they show greater ease in leaving them aside and enjoying the moment. The woman needs to be well for sex, while the man uses sex to be well. But Francisca Molero does not agree with this: “This aspect is changing and in consultation we see more and more women who separate the emotional or personal from sexual pleasure and men who mix these two areas. I would say that, in a way, many men are showing behaviors more typical of the female sex and vice versa.”