Francisco P. is 54 years old, he is a consultant, he lives in Madrid and he got divorced at 53 after being married for 20 years. Jesús F., is 62, also lives in Madrid, is an auditor and got divorced when he was 57 and after 24 years of marriage. PR is 70 years old, she lives in Burgos – she moved after the divorce -, she is retired, she was a justice official, and her marriage broke up 14 years ago, when she was 56 and there was little left to celebrate 30 years of marriage. These are only three of the cases that have increased the numbers of divorces after the age of 50. In the last 10, according to figures from the National Institute of Statistics (INE), the marital dissolutions that have grown the most (9%) are those in the age group between 50-59 years. No other has had such a large increase and most have even decreased. The reasons for so many divorces after 50 are diverse. Many, however, when there is no third person involved, are due to the wear and tear of so many years of relationship, the carelessness of the partner and the maturity of the children. Elena Cocho, a psychologist expert in couples therapy, and Manahem Moya, a family mediator at UNAF, the National Union of Family Associations, agree on this diagnosis.
This is how Cocho, who has his office in Madrid, explains it: “What I observe in the consultation is that couples try to stretch the relationship, even if it is deteriorated, until the children are older. The main reason for deterioration is wear and tear. What happens after 50? They have reached the pinnacle of their professional career, they have more economic capacity, their children require less care than before and suddenly they begin to realize that the person they are living with is not the one they want or desire. While they are dedicated to raising their children and working, the couple has fallen by the wayside.”
Moya, for his part, considers that, “suddenly, and even more so if there is a retirement involved, they begin to spend much more time together, they look around and do not recognize the person they have at home. One goes out riding a bike and the other goes out to play chess. The couple has been evolving along different paths. In theory, when you start to have more time because the children are already raised and you have a stable economic situation, that is when you can begin to enjoy a relationship as a couple… But what I have observed in mediation is that it no longer exists the couple as such.” He assures that at UNAF, 20% of the couples who request mediation are over 50 years old.
Francisco P. affects wear and tear. “There is no single cause, but in my case wear and tear is what defines everything. It was exhausting. I was the one who made the decision at 50, although the actual divorce came later. Breaking up is not something you do in a single act by pressing a button, it is a process. First there is an emotional separation, which in my case was already underway, followed by a physical one; The one that takes the longest is the legal one. Mortgage divorce takes even longer than legal divorce,” he explains. “In my case the turning point was marked by my daughters, they functioned as the couple’s main cohesion, the moment they set out on their paths, the couple ceased to exist. I don’t think it’s something strange, I’ve seen it happen to couples of friends. My 50s and the supposed mid-life crisis also coincided with the pandemic and I think both things acted as a catalyst.” In his case, he says, his wife and he were living together without major problems until the decision was formalized. They waited to tell their daughters when the eldest finished high school. “I didn’t want to destabilize her,” says Francisco.
Moya explains, precisely, that the 50s of today are not the 50s of 20 years ago. “In addition to the reasons why people get divorced, which are differential, I think there are social variables to take into account. The concept of people over 50 that we had before is very, very different from now. Now at 50 or more years old you know that you have new opportunities to be happy. Before, it was considered very strange on a social level, first that you got divorced and then that you did so when you were over 50. These things have been changing now and it has also had to do with the change in the role of women, who are much more independent, also economically” .
PR, her ex-husband’s decision caught her by surprise. “I got divorced at 56, an age at which it is assumed that without so many work commitments and with children (he has two) already grown, you have much more time to travel, to enjoy your partner. You already know everything about him after so many years together, but unless you get along badly, it is a time to enjoy and do things together. In my case it wasn’t like that because he looked for something else,” he says by phone. In Burgos, PR has a hiking group with which he goes out twice a week and says that what he sees is that no one does it with their partner. “They don’t take them, maybe he walks and she doesn’t, or the other way around. They are together but they do independent things.”
Cocho points out that in his consultation he has also found that the existence of a third person has been another of the important reasons why couples divorce. “It’s a way to get out, some are afraid of getting older and believe that with another person and if they are younger, more, they connect in a way that makes them feel younger.” What surprises him most is how little couples over 50 know each other despite having spent their entire lives together. “They think they know each other very well, but there is no emotional communication, they are used to talking about practical, day-to-day things and it is surprising that they have not heard their partner make certain reflections about life. I have also observed how little time they spend as a couple; some have not done leisure activities together for years, such as drinking a beer, going to the movies or the theater. Everything is always with the children, friends or family.”
Jesús F, like Francisco P., realized that getting divorced over 50 is much more common than people think. “I have friends around me who have had it happen to them, people who I thought would never break up and they have. I myself thought it would never touch me, but…” He says that, in his case, it was his wife who made the decision, the children at that time were 20 and 18 years old and they were about to celebrate their silver wedding anniversary. “We had a previous breakup, I left for a few months but nothing was resolved. I thought there were things that were always going to be there, but that wasn’t the case. She always had a much better job than mine and an intense social life, and I looked smaller and smaller in her eyes. I understand that what she saw when she looked at me and around me she compared with things that she liked more; Your jokes are no longer funny and, without realizing it, from one day to the next, everything changes completely.”